Mikolaj and the list

Forbidden to Mikołaj

Towarzysz Krasiński is:

Forbidden to write reports which might be read by anyone important.

Forbidden to parade naked apart from armour and wings claiming to be excused clothes. Even when the declared intention is a hoax.

Forbidden to refer to the king [August III] as ‘that little Saxon fart’

Forbidden to claim that Ravens are allowed to pick out eyes

Forbidden to claim that  all Germans smell of pigswill

Forbidden to refer to western costume as girl’s clothes

Forbidden to refer to the foil as ‘a toothpick’

Forbidden to mention that Russia takes the Pee out of Prussia

Forbidden to refer to Austrians as poisonous, especially when claiming never to have eaten one.

Forbidden to refer to the clean-shaven as butt-naked-ugly

Forbidden to set the lap-dogs of the Pulkownik’s [colonel’s] wife barking by doing wolf impressions

Forbidden to refer to a lance charge as ‘a bit of Turkish kebab’

Forbidden to set off rockets to announce midday

I am not Genghiz Khan and I am not allowed to invade the cookhouse on a war-ride to score żurek as booty

Forbidden to even meet ambassadors

Forbidden to steal the time-watch bell and replace it with empty wódka bottles for a more musical chime

Forbidden to steal the time-watch bell and replace it with variously filled wódka bottles for an even more musical chime on several notes.

Forbidden to send burning paper boat down the latrine channel to enliven those on the straining bar.

Forbidden to serenade the Pulkownik’s horse

Forbidden to arrange hay in the captain’s  mare’s stall and fill it with large painted paper-mache eggs and claim that she is a hippogryff in disguise.  Whatever his banner.

Forbidden to answer all questions only in Lithuanian.

Forbidden to answer all questions only in German.  Or Ukrainian.  Or Swedish.

Forbidden to refer to artillerymen as ‘sorcerors’ and trigonometry as ‘arcane arts’

Forbidden to use trigonometry, whether or not referred to as ‘arcane arts’ to map the contours of the Pulkownik’s daughter’s bosom. Even with a quadrant. Especially with a quadrant.

Even if in descent of Bolesław the Wrymouthed, it is forbidden to make those sorts of suggestions about how he came by the nickname.

Forbidden to answer questions by quacking.

Flatulence is an affliction, not a new kind of warfare.

The quartermaster’s spectacles are not to be used to make a burning glass to set up a delayed action rocket

Forbidden; Making pyrotechnic dragons which unfold as they burn and setting them off in the mess.

Forbidden to kidnap sheep and promote them to Towarzysze however much the ram looks like the Pulkownik

Forbidden to refer to the Pulkownik’s wife as ‘My Lord Brother Lady Hetman’

Also to give her the Prussian triple salute.

Forbidden from using aniseed to lead nicely-brought up dogs through middens when told to look after them for the afternoon.

Forbidden to teach rude words to the Pulkownik’s wife’s popinjay

Forbidden to teach rude German words to the Pulkownik’s wife’s popinjay.

Or Russian.

Or Swedish.

Forbidden to devise a system of pulleys and slings with the felonious intent of introducing a horse into the bedroom of the visiting dignitary.

Or harnessing any of such horses to the bed.

Or the colonel’s, and the precise number is immaterial.

Forbidden from trying to construct a flying machine from old hussar wings.

Forbidden to ask men in western costume to dance on the grounds of thinking they were women.

Forbidden to ask men in western costume how much it hurts having their weapon reduced.

Forbidden from turning up at a ball clad in nothing but a bearskin and leather claiming that this is what a barbarian looks like, not a Sarmatian gentleman. Regardless of insults from those in girls’ clothes western dress.

Forbidden to refer to eagles of the Other Colour as ‘Black Death’ or their subjects as ‘plague carriers.’

Forbidden to write poetry. Any poetry.

Forbidden to wear wings to balls, only ladies are permitted feathers.

Pigeons roosting are not Russian spies and the practice amongst Towarzysze to shoot them with pistols will cease.

Unless the officers get pigeon pie.

Forbidden to treat paper with gunpowder and stick  pieces on the sides of doors so that shutting them a little forcefully sounds like an artillery barrage