Forbidden to Mikołaj
Towarzysz Krasiński is:
Forbidden to write reports
which might be read by anyone important.
Forbidden to parade naked
apart from armour and wings claiming to be excused clothes. Even when the
declared intention is a hoax.
Forbidden to refer to the
king [August III] as ‘that little Saxon fart’
Forbidden to claim that
Ravens are allowed to pick out eyes
Forbidden to claim
that all Germans smell of pigswill
Forbidden to refer to
western costume as girl’s clothes
Forbidden to refer to the
foil as ‘a toothpick’
Forbidden to mention that
Russia takes the Pee out of Prussia
Forbidden to refer to
Austrians as poisonous, especially when claiming never to have eaten one.
Forbidden to refer to the
clean-shaven as butt-naked-ugly
Forbidden to set the
lap-dogs of the Pulkownik’s [colonel’s] wife barking by doing wolf impressions
Forbidden to refer to a
lance charge as ‘a bit of Turkish kebab’
Forbidden to set off
rockets to announce midday
I am not Genghiz Khan and I
am not allowed to invade the cookhouse on a war-ride to score żurek as booty
Forbidden to even meet
ambassadors
Forbidden to steal the
time-watch bell and replace it with empty wódka bottles for a more musical
chime
Forbidden to steal the time-watch
bell and replace it with variously filled wódka bottles for an even more
musical chime on several notes.
Forbidden to send burning
paper boat down the latrine channel to enliven those on the straining bar.
Forbidden to serenade the
Pulkownik’s horse
Forbidden to arrange hay in
the captain’s mare’s stall and fill it
with large painted paper-mache eggs and claim that she is a hippogryff in
disguise. Whatever his banner.
Forbidden to answer all
questions only in Lithuanian.
Forbidden to answer all
questions only in German. Or
Ukrainian. Or Swedish.
Forbidden to refer to
artillerymen as ‘sorcerors’ and trigonometry as ‘arcane arts’
Forbidden to use
trigonometry, whether or not referred to as ‘arcane arts’ to map the contours
of the Pulkownik’s daughter’s bosom. Even with a quadrant.
Especially with a quadrant.
Even if in descent of Bolesław
the Wrymouthed, it is forbidden to make those sorts of suggestions about how he
came by the nickname.
Forbidden to answer
questions by quacking.
Flatulence is an
affliction, not a new kind of warfare.
The quartermaster’s
spectacles are not to be used to make a burning glass to set up a delayed
action rocket
Forbidden; Making
pyrotechnic dragons which unfold as they burn and setting them off in the mess.
Forbidden to kidnap sheep
and promote them to Towarzysze however much the ram looks like the Pulkownik
Forbidden to refer to the
Pulkownik’s wife as ‘My Lord Brother Lady Hetman’
Also to give her the
Prussian triple salute.
Forbidden from using
aniseed to lead nicely-brought up dogs through middens when told to look after
them for the afternoon.
Forbidden to teach rude words to the Pulkownik’s
wife’s popinjay
Forbidden to teach rude German words to the
Pulkownik’s wife’s popinjay.
Or Russian.
Or Swedish.
Forbidden to devise a system of pulleys and slings
with the felonious intent of introducing a horse into the bedroom of the
visiting dignitary.
Or harnessing any of such horses to the bed.
Or the colonel’s, and the precise number is
immaterial.
Forbidden from trying to construct a flying machine
from old hussar wings.
Forbidden to ask men in western costume to dance on
the grounds of thinking they were women.
Forbidden to ask men in western costume how much it
hurts having their weapon reduced.
Forbidden from turning up at a ball clad in nothing
but a bearskin and leather claiming that this is what a barbarian looks like,
not a Sarmatian gentleman. Regardless of insults from those in girls’
clothes western dress.
Forbidden to refer to eagles of the Other Colour as
‘Black Death’ or their subjects as ‘plague carriers.’
Forbidden to write poetry. Any poetry.
Forbidden to wear wings to balls, only ladies are
permitted feathers.
Pigeons roosting are not Russian spies and the practice
amongst Towarzysze to shoot them with pistols will cease.
Unless the officers get pigeon pie.
Forbidden to treat paper with
gunpowder and stick pieces on the sides of doors so that shutting them a little forcefully sounds like an artillery barrage
