The list for Evil
Dictators Rzeczpospolita Kings [or Queens]
As compiled by Jeremi and Jurko for their descendents should any become king.
1/ however irritating the Sejm are, keep smiling. Especially if you know where the bodies are buried. If you don’t know where the bodies are buried, why are you trying to be king? [Or queen, thank you, Raina]. You don’t need to blackmail them. You only need to be able to be in the position to nobly not blackmail them.
2/ Make sure you work out to keep your irresistible Cossack body. A fit king can accomplish more for not suffering the ills of the unfit, and can be dynamic, compassionate, and kindly hearty when the Sejm have indigestion, the crapulous misery of a hangover, diarrhoea, constipation or piles.
3/ Water your own wine; spike theirs with wódka
4/ Make sure to have one of your ineffably cute and adorable children on hand if arguments look tough. An adorable child who asks in their adorably sweet childish treble why they don’t agree with Papa [or Mama] is a non-sequitur.
5/ When in doubt, quote Julius Caesar.
6/ Or Cicero
7/ Being a showman works better than cold, hard logic. Distract their minds with glitter and shove through the laws while they are still not thinking. Blinding with bling and brilliance works better than baffling with bullshit and both work better than elucidating with example.
8/ Si vis pacem, para bellum. If you want peace, prepare for war.
9/ corollary to [8]; keep a large army and use them for engineering projects. Engineering projects make the Commonwealth easier to defend, and makes the troops earn their pay. And keeps them fit and too tired to rebel.
10/ Dealing with diplomats; learn how to say a very great deal whilst agreeing to absolutely nothing. Until you have a deal you want and then slip it in under the prolixity and get it signed before they realise what they are signing. Adorable children are wonderful for the destruction of treaties you don’t want to sign. Or adorable puppies if you are unmarried.
11/ Have a scribe keep exact notes of what you say, and what prominent members of the Sejm say, and be able to quote them or yourself at need.
12/ Be flamboyant. This builds on [7] but on a personal level. An outward display of absolute confidence and courage carries you further than being conservative.
13/ We are Sarmatians! Never forget this. Any of our
descendents who dress in girls’ clothes Western dress are changelings.
Unless for practical reasons unknown to the writers.
14/ Never, ever, look guilty, save over doing a surreptitious kindness. If caught doing something like shagging on the throne, look down your nose and ask what the devil the person who caught you is up to. Take the moral high ground and hold it.
15/ If outnumbered in battle or politics, pretend to hold all the cards and demand the capitulation of the enemy. They will assume in many cases that you know something they do not.
16/Never lie. Which doesn’t mean you have to reveal all the truth.
17/ Know every one of your bodyguard, by name, by family, and by likes and dislikes, weaknesses and strengths. Recognise if any of them are acting strangely.
18/ Remember Machiavelli; the best armour a prince could have is the love of his people. Listen to the people, and sound caring, even if you don’t take their suggestions. If there is conflict between the masses and the Sejm, there are fewer members of the Sejm to bring round/neutralise. Be a man of the people. Dress for them, but be prepared to give your coat to a freezing beggar. Eat and drink in moderation, and let this be known. You are their servant, their representative in the Sejm.
19/ Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
20/ Forgive your enemies as soon as they are neutralised.
21/ Neutralised does not have to be dead. Enemies whose agenda is usurped to be your man is twice as good as just killing him. Make sure he’s genuine.
22/ Information is everything. Knowledge is power. Share knowledge with those you trust, and listen to their ideas.
23/ Always remember an ill-turn done to you; always reward a good turn done to you.
24/ Retain control of your temper at all times. Learn how to simulate losing it, but never let it go. Take out any frustrations in hopak or sabre drill. And most of the time, project calm good humour.
25/ Assess your abilities reasonably. Do not overreach yourself. Nor should you underestimate yourself.
26/ always listen to messengers, regardless of what they interrupt; they wouldn’t interrupt you if it wasn’t important. And never get angry with a messenger; it’s not his fault.
27/ If let down by a company of soldiers who show incompetence or cowardice, send them for re-training/unpleasant duties somewhere unpleasant enough to be a punishment, but reward them if they bear it with equanimity and accept with good grace. Have the initial task completed by a more reliable unit.
28/ If you think a fortress is impregnable, challenge a group of youngsters between 16 and 24 to find a way to break in with prizes for the most innovative. Give any who succeed prizes and the best prize to the one you could never have imagined.
29/ Close up all the weaknesses revealed and assume you got 90% of them.
30/ Run wargames without warning to check the alertness of your troops.
