copper's cruise 5

 

Chapter 5 Death on the deep, part 1

 

Alexander was wondering if he would survive to Egypt without throwing Mrs. Margaret Mainwaring overboard.

It was not that she was a terrible person. No, she was kindly, and well-meaning.

She also never stopped talking, and also filled in the answers she expected from the person she was talking at. Not to; at. When they had met, as part of the first meal mess, she had looked at him, and said, “Oh, you poor man! Were you wounded in the war?  Of course you were, silly of me to ask, how brave you boys all are, living with what the Hun has done to you all!  And now, of course, you must feel so useless, and I assure you, there are plenty of jobs you can do, even in a wheelchair!  Your mother and sister must be so proud of you, but they need to encourage you to do more!”

She still had no idea that Alma was a friend of the family, and wife of his boss, and that Ida was his fiancée. Mrs. Mainwaring was a woman who is artistic with a definite breath in the pronunciation of the first syllable, or as Campbell put it, the breath of it came in an f as a prefix.

And because she was on her own, she joined them at one of the tables for four in the dining room.  There were two dozen passengers, arranged into the port and starboard servings for meals, which they ate at three little round tables, unless invited to eat with the captain. The port serving was first, and coincided with the captain’s meals, and were slightly socially above the starboard serving.

There were two young couples on honeymoon, who comprised another table,  an antiquarian and his secretary, and an older woman with her daughter or niece -  Alexander was not yet sure which – who shared the third table.

“And if only Alma spoke French, I’d suggest we pretended to be French to speak amongst ourselves, but it wouldn’t be fair,” said Ida. “Wretched woman, said that my paintings would be quite nice when I learned to paint properly.”

“Damned cheek,” said Alexander. “I doubt her anaemic watercolours sell.”

“Oh, she wouldn’t consider selling her soul-memories,” said Ida. “Why don’t we go swimming? She doesn’t swim, and we can escape her. Alma is capable of reading and ignoring her.”

“Good idea,” said Alexander.

He liked the way Campbell handled Mrs. Mainwaring, by wheeling his chair right past her and ignoring her attempts to engage him in what passed for conversation.  And with help from Campbell, he was in the freedom of the liner’s pool, in warm water. It was bliss.  He ignored Mrs. Mainwaring twittering to Ida that she had no idea that his legs were intact and that he must take care if his muscles were atrophied, and that she should go to her brother.

There was the sound of a slap.

“You evil old hag!” screamed Ida. “My brother is dead, and you might have mistaken my fiancée for Basil, but it was in all the papers, and you have no excuse for thinking that it was Alexander who had his feet burned off!  He wouldn’t have looked at your horrible twee little paintings anyway, so just stop trying to hurt us you vicious-tongued old harridan.”

Mrs. Mainwaring stared, fingering the red hand mark on her face in foolish incomprehension.

“My dear, if you are on your courses to make you so volatile, I really cannot think that swimming is a good idea at all,” she said. “I don’t understand what has upset you so; how can your brother be dead when he is swimming?”

“My gentleman is not miss’s brother,” said Campbell. “They are engaged to be married.”

“Oh, dear!  What a silly mistake of mine, but oh, dear, how improper to be on holiday with him and his mother.”

“The lady is a friend of Miss Henderson, and is neither her mother nor Mr. Armitage’s,” said Campbell.

“Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it,” said Mrs. Mainwaring. “Really, so many of you young things are positively abrupt, like the young Mr. Cohen, when I ventured to warn him that Lady Emily would not like him dangling after Lady Vera.”

Campbell rolled his eyes and did not enlighten the lady that Mr. Leonard Cobham’s nephew and secretary was named Geoffrey Paul, being the son of a married sister of Mr. Cobham’s, and that Emily, Lady Burleigh despised Mrs. Mainwaring from the bottom of her aristocratic heart for the mangling of her own and the Honourable Vera’s titles.

Alma sighed, and went to see the steward, to see whether there was any way that she and her companions could be accommodated at any other table, even if they had to eat with the servants, in order to avoid Mrs. Mainwaring. She explained the contretemps. 

“And really, I know Ida should not have slapped her, but the wretched woman has been in her ear all the time about encouraging her brother to take up some hobby; for one thing he is not her brother, her brother was crippled in the war and is dead. Her fiancée is on sick leave from a very demanding job as a police inspector, and he was wounded in the line of duty and he has plenty of interests, but he has been told to take things easy.”

“I’ll do what I can, but all the other passengers are in pairs,” said the steward.

“We’d happily move to the second serving,” said Alma. “I’m sure the strain of it is bad for Inspector Armitage’s health and recovery.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” said the steward. “I won’t be able to do anything in time for dinner, I’m afraid.”

Alma thanked him, and went back to watch Mr. David and Mrs. Paula Amberside playing Mr. Cyril and Mrs. Beatrice Chatterley at deck tennis. Gladys brought her a cup of tea.

“Ooh, that old woman has annoyed Miss Ida,” she said. “Every time she starts to get over Mr. Basil being murdered, someone comes along and reminds her again, and that old hag is just the outside of enough.  She doesn’t have a maid because she can’t keep one, you know!”

“I’m not surprised,” said Alma. “Gladys, dear, why don’t you sit with me and read or do your mending, or whatever?  I feel the need for some sane company.”

“So long as you tell me what to do with the mending if anyone who’ll kick up a fuss comes along,” said Gladys, who was happy enough to be a companion to her lady’s companion.

Both women sighed that Mrs. Mainwaring came to bear Alma company.

“I thought you might need some company, Mrs. Armitage....”

“It’s Barrett,” said Alma, loudly.  “Mr. Armitage works with my husband.”

“Well, the girl can go, anyway,” said Mrs. Mainwaring. “Shoo! You’re not needed.”

“Please stay, Gladys,” said Alma.

“Yes, madam,” said Gladys.

The set was ending, another victory to the Chatterleys, with the fierce serve of Mrs. Chatterley having overwhelmed little Mrs. Amberside, and Beatrice Chatterley went to get a glass of lemonade from the jug at the side of the court, offering one to her husband.

“Positively slavish, that girl, if you ask me,” said Mrs. Mainwaring. “Like some cup-bearer, Ganymede to Zeus, wouldn’t you say?  Indeed, no question of it, you must agree.”

“Come, Gladys,” said Alma. “Let’s go find some peace and quiet, perhaps in the engine room.”

“Oh, it won’t be peaceful in the engine room,” said Mrs. Mainwaring, with a screaming little laugh.

“Such things are comparative,” said Alma.

 

A new sitting had not been sorted out by dinner, but Ida did bow to Mrs. Mainwaring.

“I apologise for slapping you,” she said, scarlet of face.  “My brother’s murder is still very raw.”

“Oh, my poor dear girl, I had no idea,” said Mrs. Mainwaring.  “Murdered, you say? Dear me, who would do such a thing, these young thugs influenced by American films, I suppose, hardly safe to go anywhere these days, and I can’t think what your mother is about letting you go gallivanting off, you wouldn’t see Lady Emily letting Lady Vera out of her sight, as pale and ill as that girl looks, rather like you, one does worry that either or both of you might be in a certain condition....”

Ida had burst into tears and fled.

“Her mother is dead,” said Alexander. “You have the manners, madam, of a rhinoceros.”

“Oh! But how was I to know?” said Mrs. Mainwaring.

“By letting others get a word in edgeways to introduce themselves and their situations occasionally,” said Alexander, grimly.  “And you have made filthy insinuations about both my fiancée – and through that to myself – and the Honourable Miss Burleigh, which might, if you are not careful, lead to us suing you for slander.”

“I never said anything slanderous!” said Mrs. Mainwaring, stung.  “I only wondered.....”

“In a most slanderous fashion!” roared Alexander. “Look at that poor girl, you’ve reduced her to tears as well as my Ida!  And all of us are going to miss dinner because we can’t stand to be in your company!”

He manoeuvred his chair away from the table, and Alma took the handles to push. Mrs. Mainwaring’s foolish mouth stood open.

“Why, I did not mean anything by it,” she said. “I was only going to warn you, Lady Vera, not to throw yourself away on an illegitimate Jewish boy.... not that many people mind Jews these days, but being the professor’s side issue of course is a bar, as is obvious by the resemblance between them....”

“You will hear from my solicitor,” said Lady Burleigh. “Now, shut your filthy mouth, or crawl into the scuppers where you belong.”

“And you’ll hear from my solicitors too,” rumbled Leonard Cobham.  “How dare you call my sister a loose woman! I have no problem with Jews, but there might be those who objected to you calling us Jewish as well.”

“But... Cohen is a Jewish name!”

“And, madam, my name is Cobham, and my sister is Mrs. Paul, and my nephew is Geoffrey Paul, as you might have known had you listened when introduced!” roared the antiquarian.

“The prurient wretch asked if I was with child and if I should be rushing around playing tennis,” cried Mrs. Amberside. “I want her off this ship!”

“I don’t understand why everyone always turns against me,” sobbed Mrs. Mainwaring.

The steward came over.

“Mrs. Mainwaring, the captain has asked that you keep to your cabin as much as possible and you will be provided with your meals there. I will be taking food to Mrs. Barrett, Miss Henderson, and Mr. Armitage for this meal, if you have not upset them too much to eat. You’re a flaming nuisance.”

“I still don’t understand,” wailed Mrs. Mainwaring.

“Well, madam, if you don’t understand how insulting everyone you meet brings you ill-will, I don’t suppose you will manage to continue in civilised society,” said the steward.  “Making up your own malicious and prurient stories about other people in your own head is one thing, accusing them of inappropriate behaviour is something else, and I expect you’ll be sued to penury.”

“I only came on this cruise to escape the nastiness of my neighbours,” sobbed Mrs. Mainwaring. “They don’t understand me!”

“I fear, madam, that they understand you only too well.”

She was led away sobbing.

The steward brought meals on trays for Alexander and his companions.

“I’m sorry to cause friction but I cannot put up with that woman any longer at my table,” said Alexander. “We’re on this cruise for the good of our health, and she’s a detriment to all of us, especially as she keeps opening up the wounds of my fiancée’s bereavement.”

“The captain has ordered that she keep to her cabin,” said the steward. “I am very sorry that your cruise has been spoiled; the company will, of course, re-imburse you....”

“Oh, don’t worry about that,” said Alexander, with an elegant wave of the hand.  “It’s not the company’s fault. Thank you for your discretion and careful handling of this filthy situation. I don’t think the wretched woman means any malice but it doesn’t come out that way.”

“She seems genuinely unable to realise how offensive she is,” said the steward.

“Well, I am sorry for her, in a way, but not enough to spend time with her,” said Alexander.

 

Ida managed to eat, with encouragement from Alma, and went to bed early to sleep off her upset after a cuddle from Alexander.

Alexander fell eventually into a fitful sleep, which was interrupted by the captain, knocking sharply on the door and coming in.

“I need your professional services as a policeman,” he said. “The Mainwaring woman has turned up dead, ostensibly suicide, but I’m not happy about it.”