the student problem 2

 

Chapter 2

 

Serenaa Kerafin nibbled the end of her expensively shaded ringlets. Her mother would have a blue fit to see her, but Serenaa was deep in thought. She picked up her pocket box and commenced a letter to her father.

 

Dearest daddy,

Do you remember recommending a book to me, 'The principles of applied thought,' I think it was called, by one Henry or Enuri, I forget which, Kowalski? I find I may need it to pass my Civics course. We have a new tutor, named Professor Harry Lime, who is the most sarcastic bastard in the known universe. He doesn't raise his speaking tone, but his voice carries, and is like Xandulian caramel except when he verbally excoriates someone when without raising one iota it could cut glass and stab you to the heart. Which is beautiful to listen to when it is someone else, but not comfortable to be on the receiving end.

I find myself very conflicted. Is it really a noble's duty to listen and hear things which aren't said? Mumsy said that all a noblewoman has to do is to look beautiful, hide any brains she is unfortunate enough to have, and produce heirs. But I don't think I'd like Mumsy's life, it would be boring, though of course she has her gossip clubs and they plan social downfall for people they don't like, but it doesn't seem much of a hobby to me. You said, hide any brains you have, but for Gfarg's sake use them [why do you swear by a Wargrini god, Daddy? I'm sure there's a story there.]

Anyway, please arrange for a copy of the book to be forwarded by the campus bookstore, I am embarrassed to go in there and ask for a treatise on applied thought when I am not sure if I correctly recall the title or the author.

Oh, and what do you know about this Harry Lime? He'd be moderately scrumptious if he didn't look as if he wants to feed us to stenagari in their mating season. He's the all-Imperial recruiting poster, and his academic robes do not hide the ripple of muscles, though he holds one arm stiffly. He has dark hair in a strip cut, which flops forward over his eyes in a way that any woman would want to smooth back, so maybe that's why he glares at us.

Your loving daughter,

Serenaa

 

Oh by all the powers! Whoever thought I’d do anything like write in a diary; it’s just too gauche. But I must speak to someone and put my thoughts in order, and Lisilli Bronteen is such a little air-head. All she cares for is social position and her image.

And she looks quite ridiculous with the mono-ringlet, and I suspect that I do, too. Why did I listen to Mumsy, just because it’s the latest fashion? I’m going to get a shave on the hair side and have a hairgrow^tm injection so it grows back naturally. I don’t care if blonde is just too too common, Daddy has blond hair and mine’s strawberry blonde which isn’t that usual.

I wonder if Professor Lime likes blondes or if he will think I’m even ditzier than he already thinks me? Not that I care what he thinks. It’s none of his business.

He made some really good points in that first lecture – Yin G’warz was an idiot. He looked and did not see, though I suppose anyone at an impressionable age is to be forgiven somewhat for going along with what their parents say and do. But didn’t he speak to his parents at all? Surely he must have voiced his concerns to them? Did they tell him it w as none of their business? Could they be so lost to shame? I think I’ll ask the professor.”

I loathe Lisilli. I have loathed her since we met at her fifth birthday party and she hit me on the head with a toy blaster and told me I had to do what she wanted as she was richer than me and it was her birthday and her daddy was a noble and mine was only a soldier. I know better now but she still puts Daddy down. I don’t have to be part of her clique anymore because Mumsy isn’t here to tell me to play nicely with her. And I can admit that I dislike her intensely.

 

***

In the middle of the week I was approached outside the staff room by a girl I didn't recognise at first. I then realised it was Miss Kerofin, but with a completely different appearance. Her hair was symmetrical, shorter than it had been on the long side of her previous coiffeur and a natural looking shade of strawberry blond in rather bubbly curls. She was wearing what appeared to be a military surplus sweater cinched over a jumpsuit and high boots. A great improvement I thought. In fact I thought she looked a million credits.

 

"What can I do for you Miss Kerofin?" I asked.

She smiled at this, a genuine gamine smile, not the studied smile she had affected previously, like several other girls in the class.

"Well, I just won ten credits from myself," she said, "I bet that you wouldn't recognise me."

"The change in your appearance is most striking." I said, "Following the herd is not always wise. May I ask, do you count your wager won or lost?"

"I'm not sure."

"In any case, I reiterate my question, what can I do for you?"

"Something was puzzling me about Yin G’warz." she said. I gestured her to continue. "There's no indication that he asked his parents about what was troubling him. Why didn't he?"

"This enters the realm of pure speculation Miss Kerofin." I replied. "He might have asked them, and they may have brushed him off, or told him that the trips were makework, which they seem to have believed was true, judging by the evidence."

"I do wonder if anybody is that stupid, but then I remember Lisilli, uh Miss Bronteen" she said.

"It would be most improper of me to pass comment about any pupil at the academy, but I have occasionally run across those whose intellect suggests that they should be planted in soil and watered twice a week." I replied.

She giggled at this, and then said, far more revealingly than she intended, I thought.

"Daddy said that I would never have an arranged marriage, so I wouldn't be tied to someone whose intellect had to be mined for."

 

Two days later, I gathered in the assignments. I'm not sure why I opened Miss Kerofin's first.

 

Assignment; List all the things to look and listen for when visiting a world, both those you can see and hear, and those you can’t.

Seranaa Kerofin.

Do the people who greet you make eye contact? If yes, do they look sideways like they are not being honest, if no, are they staring past you like you’re scum or are they looking down. NB Find out beforehand if the planet has taboos on eye contact before applying this test.

Where do their eyes go when you bring up various Issues. Eyes which jiggle about are people unable to decide what to say and usually presage lies, like when one of the maids breaks an ornament and doesn’t want to admit it. If there’s any problem, when mentioning generalities, eyes will seek something which reminds them of the problem.

Do you feel uncomfortable like what they say doesn’t jive with the way they hold themselves?

Purchase a pheromone reader, it might tell you more than the mark-one human nose can handle.

If they are human, dress to be sexy and make sure all the men have their tongues hanging out so far that some of their secrets dribble out with their spittle. And the females hate you enough to let slip their secrets when they make spiteful comments.

Learn the taboos and customs in advance and come close to insulting someone who is being close mouthed and then apologise profusely in pretty embarrassment over misunderstanding, and see what you can shock out of them.

Acquaint yourself with the normal tones of your hosts’ racial speech. Higher tones in a protest are to be noted; much lower ones are to be feared.

Manage to get lost on your way to where they are trying to take you, by dallying. See if the non-official route has any hidden poverty or problems.

Carry an explosives sniffer in case cute little girls with flowers are being used to assassinate you.

Sweaty palms.  There are people who sweat profusely, but excess sweat can indicate nervousness or fear. Carry a wickaway^tm sheet in your purse to get rid of the excess.

Find any cultural social status symbols and note if there appears to be anyone with anomalous ones, if any.

Talk to any Tsshst you can find, they know everything and have no idea what humans want to hide. They are also consummate bureaucrats.

Talk to random people as well as those in charge. See how chary they are of being honest.

Try to get Wargrini to chat to you. They have zero tact and won’t hide any dung they find, but are more likely to metaphorically roll in it. Take Wargrini bodyguard if possible, their noses might be faster than a pheromone reader.

Assume that all local nobility are lying about something, like hosts at a party, when nine times out of ten the conspicuous consumption is a front for something.

Take alcohol neutraliser drops with you, so they get drunker quicker and lose their inhibitions.

Look at charitable institutions and find out how many are needed, and what support they have, and what they cover. If it’s medical relief, or caring for displaced or orphaned people, this is good, if it’s providing basic foodstuffs for a significant number, there’s something wrong in the society.

Ask to inspect the military and see how well-equipped the squaddies are. If they have poor uniforms and weaponry, the regime doesn’t trust them. If there are elites with snazzy weapons who are they going to use them on? And the more scrambled eggs the generals have on their uniforms and the more impractical the style, the more likely there is to be corruption. The plainer and more utilitarian the higher ranks have for uniform the more efficient and possibly oppressive they are.

That’s all I can think of for now, sir, I’m sorry.

 

I wrote,

“An excellent attempt, Miss Kerofin. You have clearly thought about this and expanded on my lecture with many well thought out points, particularly those about body language and other non-verbal clues. Your creative paranoia also argues for you having a long life. I am marking this essay at 'A', well done.”

 

Assignment; List all the things to look smell and listen for when visiting a world, both those you can see and hear, and those you can’t.

 

Rauf Guffah

 

As a Wargrin, I have trouble seeing all the changes of colour humans manage to show how they are thinking, but they cannot hide their smell from me, and have no idea how good my hearing is.

I would smell for lies, for fear, and for whose scent is on whose skin. Human males can be led around by their dick, and if a human female’s scent is on a male, you need to know her agenda.

I would smell the farts of people of various social status to see whether they were well fed or not. Well fed people fart more and you can read what they have eaten in the scent. 

I would scent for anger, despair, fear and other negative emotions in the populace. Also ill-health.  I would see if there was any concentrated smell of fear and blood, in case the local leaders had put their most discontented in a pound while I was visiting.

I would use my ears to listen to conversations spoken too low for a human to hear, or at too great a distance. I would make myself wag my tail and make myself feel pleasure in a job done well, and I would smile with my mouth open, which enhances scenting but I understand it also looks ‘cute’ like having a wagging tail. If they think I am cute, I can be more dangerous when I make a report to rip out the throat of oppressors.”

 

“A well thought out exposition. You have done well to consider the advantages and disadvantages of your own sensory equipment. You have some good insights into human psychology which will stand you in good stead.  You might consider combining the impressions of a trusted human aide with your own. Don't just rely on your senses alone. Look at publications, notice boards, bill-boards, tri-vid; what themes are present there and what are not. What actions are considered praise-worthy and what are decried or anathema. The input of a trusted human aide would again be most useful. Good work, I am marking this essay at 'B'.”

 

Assignment; List all the things to look and listen for when visiting a world, both those you can see and hear, and those you can’t.

Urugiil Agaanshiiga

Security arrangements, are they relaxed or uptight and ask why

Spontaneous expressions of loyalty are there any or not and are they spontaneous

Extolling good things, what does the local want you to see

Problems, are any mentioned, if not, why not

Gossip, is it harmless or are there undertones.

I don’t understand how you can hear things people do not say. I think this is a trick question.

 

Lazy little snot.

“Mr. Agaanshiiga, I fear that my worst forebodings about you are justified. This travesty of an essay is lazy, slipshod and execrable. Not only have you merely repeated back my lecture to me, but even so you have left out most of it. I do recall that your eyes were open when I was imparting my pearls of wisdom, but either you have perfected the art of sleeping in such a state, or what you laughingly call your mind was elsewhere. As I estimate that your work, if such a pitiable effort deserves such an accolade, took you all of five minutes, you will find that you have plenty of time to re-do this essay within three days. If you do not, then my provisional mark of 'F-' will stand.

For your information, the last was not a trick question, but an invitation to consider what topics of conversation might be expected but are not apparent.”

 

Assignment; List all the things to look and listen for when visiting a world, both those you can see and hear, and those you can’t.

Wukash Ruhe

It seems to me that the best way to achieve the objective is by seeming to be as dim as Yin G’warz’s parents really were, and interested only in being wined and dined. It might even be an advantage to appear to be half-cut most of the time, even seeming to doze off from an excess of drink. I would emulate in that a character of Earth fiction, in the classic Trylogia series, a man called Onufry Zagwoba. He is as smart as a whip but looks like a sot. If underestimated, people speak more freely. It might be worth having an enhanced liver to handle actually drinking more. The sort of level of implant most backwater worlds have never heard of.

It is difficult to be specific about what one would look for as it would vary with regards to the precise regime involved, and whether nominally human or not. Or what kind of human culture. The most important thing would be to research the culture in jump-space before arriving, and if possible immerse oneself in the literature of the place. Literature is a reflection of culture, and culture is shaped by literature. Are there noble thieves, gallant liberators, oppressive overlords in literature? If so, the release of dissatisfaction is probably satisfied largely in the catharsis of literature, theatre, and so on. If such books and characters are suppressed, it is suggestive that the regime in power do not like the idea of a folk-hero who brings succour to the poor.

Does literature highlight poverty? If so, it is probable that the author anticipates his efforts to raise the compassion of the enlightened. Is all literature escapism? If so, there is a probable underlying problem.

 

“Mr. Ruhe, this is an outstanding answer to the question, proving not only that you have put serious thought into the matter, but that you have the ability to think outside the box. Literature and art give an unparalleled insight into a culture for an observer. Very well done indeed. I am marking this essay at 'A+'.

With such an ability to think outside the box, you might consider a career in military intelligence. Incidentally, that is not an oxymoron.”

 

Assignment; List all the things to look and listen for when visiting a world, both those you can see and hear, and those you can’t.

Lisilli Brontine

I would be very careful to see that the honour guard provided is sufficient for my status and capable of keeping the rabble away from me. I would expect to have a guard with the most decorative dress uniforms. One does not wish to be surrounded by grim soldiers, for it would look as if one was being dragged off, not protected. But it is just like local nobility to do things like that, because they are always seeking ways to slight the real aristocracy. I would report them if they did, or if they made me meet the horrid, smelly populace. It is the business of the local aristocracy to keep the rabble in their place.  I would look to make sure the place has a sufficiency of couturiers, hairdressers and manicurists. If not, I would report them for failing to have the basic amenities of life.

 

“Miss Brontine you have completely missed the point of the exercise. I am not sure if this is due to inherent stupidity, or wilful obtuseness. The purpose of a fact finding mission is to find facts, not spend the entire time polishing your vanity. The imperium is not interested in pandering to your inflated ego, but expects you to work for the privileges of noble rank. Nothing you have suggested would bring in any form of data, let alone anything useful. If this is truly your idea of a fact finding mission you would be as much use to the imperium as G’warz's parents. I mark your essay at 'U' and you will see me and then redo this assignment.”

 

I read the next essay, from a Miss Faruu, which was all too similar to Miss Bronteen’s.

So was the next.

And the next.

Getting to the forth essay in similar vein I was becoming angrier by the minute. I made an appointment to see all of them simultaneously. There was obviously a clique here of arrogant, entitled aristocratic youths. In an expensive academy, that was not too surprising. Was it anything more, was there a foundation in fact for Beecher's hunch or was it merely imagination?