Monday, September 10, 2018

Stealing Life, a short story

a modern day not quite zombie story based on Voudon.  Not for the squeamish; you have been warned.  It wanted to be written.


Stealing Life

It was only the dreams of skulls that spoiled things. 

René Lefevre was a local celebrity in the south of France.
“You have to work at wealth,” he told a local reporter, eying up her trim figure with approval.  “I am the most successful importer-exporter in the region, and it’s all down to my own hard work.”
“Not the work of the workers who complain that you underpay and overwork them?” asked the reporter.
René regarded her with disfavour; she was not as pretty as he thought.
“There are always malcontents in any organisation,” he said, loftily.
“Is it true that you have paid off the Union Corse to make sure you stay in business, and they beat up anyone who complains? And use the same tactics to make small businesses sell out to you?”
“Where you hear such things I cannot imagine,” René’s tone was contemptuous.  “I don’t ask anyone to work harder than I do.  You are jealous of my success.”
He believed his own words.  It made it easier to sleep at night.
He also had a word with the Union Corse to make sure that the reporter’s paper did not misrepresent him.
The article was much less hard-hitting than its originator had hoped, but it had an unexpected side effect.
René received a letter.
“My dear Cousin René,
You cannot imagine how delighted I am to discover that I have a living relative!  I saw an article about you in ‘L’Heralde du Sud’.  My name is Henri LeFevre, and I live in Haiti, where I have a factory, canning fruit.  Perhaps we might some day meet each other?
Henri.”
René made enquiries, and travelled to Haiti as soon as he might conveniently manage, once a little matter of degats contre la personne corporeale, offences against the body of a person, had been made to go away by a present to the local Gendarmerie.


He was met at the airport by a voluble and admiring Henri, who hugged the startled René.
“René, I cannot believe how successful you look!  Why, is that suit actually silk? I declare, you will dazzle all the girls, man!” Henri laughed.
René twitched his immaculate Chinese knock-off Armani suit back into shape with distaste.  He claimed not to be racist but he did support the more right-wing political parties in France, and many generations had passed since his ultimate ancestor in France had been a page boy to Rose Bearnhais, better known as Napoleon’s Empress Josephine.  The generations had left René’s own skin tone no darker than many tanned residents of his native Marseilles. Henri was very black, and though he was a good-looking man, René had the distaste of a man who had buried his roots for any reminder of his genetic heritage.  René frankly despised blacks and made sure to hide his own origins.
“It pays to wear the best,” said René, who thought Armani suits were priced largely for the name. His diamond-studded Swiss watch was genuine, and that he did feel worth it, if only for the investment and portable wealth.
It had not been so very long ago, after all, when having portable wealth was a wise precaution, before he could afford to pay off the Union Corse and the local police.
He must make the most of Henri, however, and hoped that the man at least knew how to make cocktails.  It was damnably hot here, and even one inured to the heat of summer in the South of France noticed it.  The beaches looked inviting though.
Henri had not got his own car, René noted with disapproval, as he ushered his guest into a dilapidated taxi.  This drove past fields of half-naked and ragged labourers, who hardly looked a step removed from the slavery of the past.  René shuddered, feeling as though he had been caught in a time loop from the page boy’s past.  What a foolish fancy!
Henri chattered non-stop, on the way to his home and as the taxi rounded the corner in a cloud of dust, René stared, aghast.
The place was, in his opinion, a shack.
“I thought you were doing well in the canning business?” he asked, sharply.
“Oh I am, very well,” said Henri.  “I can afford to employ many indigent families who might otherwise starve.”
“Ah, and who have to accept the terms and conditions you lay down?” René smiled; Henri was a man after his own heart after all. 
Henri looked outraged.
“I am no such exploiter!” he declared. “I pay them a fair wage for as much as they can do.”
“Henri, are you saying that you employ freeloaders?  That is not good business practice,” René chided.
Henri shrugged.
“Maybe not,” he said, “but I have enough for my own needs, and for a wife and family, when I marry, and the satisfaction of knowing that others may eat because of me, and what man needs more?”  He grinned happily.
René was appalled.
He had come out to Haiti with some idea of offering his cousin a partnership, with the injection of some capital to expand, and somehow forcing Henri out of the partnership at some point in the future.
His plans were going to have to change.
Henri would have to die before he married and bred an heir.
As clear heir, the only living relative, René could then modernise the canning factory, get rid of the dead wood, and make it profitable. 
The dream evaporated as Henri, still chatting on, said,
“I have drawn up my will to make the factory a co-operative with all my workers, they are to own half the shares and the other half for my own family.”
“You’re insane,” said René.
Henri looked perturbed.
“You think I am greedy to will half of it to any family I might have?” he asked.  “Natissia, my intended bride, is a lovely girl but not very practical at business.  And we shall have children.”
René bit his tongue.
Plainly there was more work needed here than he had anticipated.


It did not take René long to discover that everyone on Haiti, even those who attended Mass, believed in Voudon, what he called Voodoo.  René had parted from religions when the verger had caught him, as an angelic-looking choir boy, helping himself to the collection. Thrown out on his ear, René had visited the church one last time, but not during Divine Service.  He had returned one night to help himself to as much silverware as he could carry, which he melted down in a makeshift smelter to avoid any of it being recognised. The value of medieval treasures might have been higher than the scrap silver value, but so was the concomitant risk, and René had few contacts in those days. He had never been officially accused of the crime, but he had been excommunicated; the priest knew who to blame.  Not that René cared for that, to him it was immaterial.
He sneered at Voudon as he had at the religion to which he was reared.
Until, that is, he saw a man who had been buried a few days before, working in the factory.
He spoke to Henri.
“That man, Guillaume Dubois; I thought he died?”
Henri nodded, smiling.
“Oh yes! But his wife, Jacquette, is pregnant, and could not afford to live without her husband’s wage.  She considered it an investment to pay the Mambo, what I think you would call a witch, to bring back Guillaume as a zombie, and I assure you, Guillaume would have urged her to do so, for he doted on Jacquette.  His death was so sudden!  No-one knew he had a heart condition.”
“Can you only turn willing, er, corpses into zombies then?” asked René, casually.
Henri laughed again.
“Oh, the consent of the corpse is not necessary, but Jacquette would not wish to discommode Guillaume, and I would not wish you to think me so unscrupulous as to employ zombies, as it is rumoured some do, and without pay, too, if you can believe such iniquity!”
“Terrible,” said René, thinking how many overheads might be cut in the use of such.  “How do, er, Mambos learn their trade?”
“From another Mambo or a Houngan, the male counterpart,” said Henri.  “Some say that anyone can do it, others that it runs in families.  I try, so far as is humanly possible, to steer clear of Voudon.”
“Probably wise,” said René, who was busy making plans.  Guillaume looked no different to a living man, save that he was a little jerky of movement, and his eyes stared at nothing.
It could be done.
There was nothing jerky about the movements of Henri’s fiancée, Natissia, when Henri threw a dinner party in René’s honour, and invited his intended bride and her family to meet his cousin.
Natissia was a slender reed of a girl but she had enough curves for René to appreciate them.  Her face was a perfect oval, with a sweet and placid expression on it, the sort of contentment that might be found on the best icons, if only René had recognised it.  René associated such an expression with absolute brainlessness, a trait he admired in women.  Especially when they had lips that were full and kissable without being too pouty.  Her almond-shaped eyes were exotic enough to arouse him. Her skin was flawless and her face as beautiful as the famed Josephine Bearhnais was said to be, and René thought her too beautiful for Henri.  But then, she, too, figured in his plans.

“Sweetie, you are something else,” René admired her.  “My cousin is a lucky man to have won you as his bride, he surely is!”
Natissia smiled.
“You are too kind,” she murmured.  “Henri is so happy to have relatives, and what makes Henri happy, makes me happy too.”
“You must be mighty proud of Henri,” he said to Natissia’s father, Mattheu.
“He is a good boy, and has done well for himself, and for the community,” said Mattheu.  “We are proud for Natissia to marry him.  And we are so happy to meet you!  Henri has always wondered if he had family in France, there being a family tradition that this was so.”
“I should like to visit France; perhaps we might make a reciprocal visit one day,” said Natissia.
“Sure thing, baby,” said René, who felt that women liked to be talked to in an American idiom. He had no intention of presenting his Haitian relatives in France, but there was no need to mention this!



It took months for René to find a witch who was prepared to take him as an apprentice.  He finally found one venal enough to take his hard currency and not make too much insistence on his learning of all the basics before progressing to the making of zombies.
“You will need a Loa as a patron,” she warned.
“Loa? They are just useless figureheads like the saints the priest said we needed to intervene with his useless God,” sneered René.
The Mambo, Mother Amatiste, shrugged.
“Suit yourself,” she said. “But don’t be surprised, honey, if one comes calling, one day.”
“Don’t call me ‘honey’,” growled René, not for the first time.



Killing Henri was easy, and René almost split his tongue in two, chanting the incantations to make him into a zombie.  
And then it was downhill all the way.
‘Henri’ changed his will, making René sole beneficiary, and fired all his workers, including Guillaume, who had families.  The rest, by stages, became Zombies.
Productivity rose; and so did the profits.  ‘Henri’ bought a car, which René planned to rig to crash spectacularly in a fireball, because he doubted that the resources of the Haitian authorities would equal those of the Surêté in terms of forensic ability.  René did not think that they would readily discover that the burnt corpse at the wheel had been dead for some weeks.  He would have liked to have left it longer, but Natissia was becoming a nuisance, wanting to see Henri, to find out why he was refusing to see her.
Being busy with plans for expansion with his cousin’s money only took care of some of the time ‘Henri’ spent away from Natissia.  René sent her expensive gifts instead, in Henri’s name, but Natissia still turned up at the door.
“I want to see Henri; why is he sending me stupid things, instead of talking to me?” she demanded.
“Sweetheart, he told me he was afraid you’d be offended and wanted to send you gifts, so you’d know he hadn’t forgotten you,” René temporised.
“It’s not like Henri at all,” she bit her lip.  “René, please tell me!  Is it someone else?  Has he stopped loving me?  Only I can’t see why he would send me junk if he still wanted to see me.”
René bit off the comment that rose to his lips that French perfume, orchids, couture dresses and fine wine were not junk.  Apparently this simple country girl was not like the sort of girls he had known in Marseilles, where an expensive gift was often preferable to personal attention. 
“Now, honey, don’t you fret your pretty head,” he said. “It’s nobody else, just Henri feeling guilty at the time he is spending at the factory.”
“I don’t understand why he has laid off so many people,” Natissia persisted.  “Many of the families are in real distress, and people are saying that if Henri, who is the kindest employer there is, has sacked them, it must be for dishonesty, and I would vouch for all of them!”
“Oh, my, didn’t he tell you?” René assumed a look of shock.  “There had been a planned takeover of the factory; one of them objected to Guillaume being dead, and they feared that Henri would see how well he worked and ask to have them made into zombies.  It was better to let them go, when they had offered violence.”
“They should know better than that!  I will talk to them, and if they apologise for such foolishness, then they can return to work?”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, it’s too late.  I wouldn’t talk to them if I were you, they were very angry and I fear they might offer you violence.”
“I cannot believe that they would do so,” she declared.
“Nevertheless, I would feel happier if you did not do so, I would hate to think of you being unsafe, and so would Henri.”
“I wish he will tell me all this himself, and look me in the eye to do so,” said Natissia.
“Well, as it happens, he was planning to come over to see you this Saturday,” said René, coming to the decision that the time had come for ‘Henri’ to make his final exit.  He had not learned enough to recognise that Saturday, Samedi, was the province of the Loa known as Baron Samedi, who was known, at times, to be whimiscal.
Henri crashed the car, and René was the first to call on Natissia, and to hold her, sobbing, in his arms.
“It’s all right, honey,” he murmured.  “Poor Henri!  I told him he was working too hard, that he was overtired.”
“Why didn’t he walk over?”
“I think he wanted to show off his new car, honey.”
“Oh, but why?  Such things are not important!  Oh how he has changed lately!”  she sobbed harder.
“I am sorry if the ambition he gained from knowing me has caused this,” said René, stroking her hair.  “But be assured I will not forget Henri’s obligations.  He has trusted me with seeing that all is carried out as seems best to me.”

René assumed control of the factory, and employed the sort of tactics he had learned in Marseille to make sure other canning factory owners sold their businesses to him at giveaway prices.  He usually employed them as managers, so little changed  save that his managers were dead, as were, very quickly, the employees.
René was very pleased with himself, although he did not enjoy the dreams of skulls, one of them horribly burned.  Otherwise life was good.
He continued to visit Natissia, who was very quiet after the funeral. He left it a decent two months before he said,
“My dear, I know Henri would have wanted me to care for you. And I have become very fond of you on my own account.  Will you marry me?”
She regarded him thoughtfully.
“Yes, René, I shall,” she said.  “You have been good to us and my family think the world of you.  I am no good at business, but I will always mediate in the factories if need be.  I am good at that.”
“You are so very good with people,” said Henri, thankful that she had not managed to be good with the people he had sacked, since he had had them run out of town before she had the chance to visit them.
She was decorative enough to keep him amused while he consolidated his position in Haiti, and when he left, he would arrange a quiet divorce so that he could take his wealth to buy himself into an old family.  Then at last he would have social position as well as wealth, and well worth spending a year or two in the hell-hole that was Haiti.  Especially with a pretty girl to while away the time.
Of course he would need to find a manager prepared to continue in the same way, making more zombies, and replacing the manager-zombies when they started to look dead.  He had a man in mind, who would expect a large cut, but it would be worth it.  That man happened to be in Marseilles.  René, however, was certain that he could leave things running themselves in Haiti, and make a business trip to Marseilles, so Natissia was not suspicious until she received her decree nisi.  Then he could prepare  his protégé to come out to Haiti.

Meanwhile, the marriage took place, and René managed not to sneer at the sad devotion of the locals to the old religion.  Natissia looked beautiful, if a trifle wistful and lost in a dress from River Island.   René was looking forward to taking it off; Natissia had been quite firm in how far she would permit him to go before the Catholic church had planted its seal of approval on the union.   Once they were married, Natissia was a good and pliant wife, and if she did not initiate any lovemaking, well, that made her a better wife for not having too many ideas of her own.  René did not believe in the concept of women thinking.  It was, to his mind, unnatural.  He was just thankful that she never even mentioned Henri’s name, nor spoke again about the conditions at the factories he owned.  She was plainly a real woman after all, who was content with a comfortable life and no need to think or worry.

Once everything had settled to a routine, and René was beginning to be bored with his bride, he called Natissia over to him.
“What can I do for you, husband?” she asked.
“I will need to go back to France, briefly, to sort out some matters there,” he said.  It was no less than the truth, as well as training a protégé he also wanted to look over his businesses based in Marseilles.
“That will be fun,” said Natissia.
He flicked a careless finger down her cheek.
“I was going to leave you here to see nothing goes wrong,” he said. “You’d be bored; I won’t have time to show you about, I’ll be in meetings all the time.  Business in France isn’t like business in Haiti, where meetings happen over meals. I’ll be stuck in board rooms for hours with people who don’t even know what outdoors smells like.”
“It sounds horrible,” said Natissia.  “Why don’t you sell your businesses in France and then you won’t have to visit?”
“Oh, I’ll think about it,” said René, mendaciously.  “But I will want a manager here who can leave me more time to spend with you, honey, and I believe I know someone who could do the job well, who deserves a promotion.  But I wasn’t planning on wasting time talking about my trip; I wanted to throw a party, invite all the local notables.  Can you organise that, sweetheart?”
“Oh yes!” said Natissia.  “That sort of thing I do very well.  Watermelon for the last course, I think.”
“Yeah, grand.  I’ll leave the details to you,” said René.

“You’ve become a big man locally, René,” said Hercule Froissart, who grew much of the fruit that René’s factory canned.  René preened. People who would not have given him a second look when he first arrived, now sat at his table, eating the excellent food, and drinking the imported wine.
“Henri was very excited about all the expansion, it’s a shame he bought a car that was too powerful for him to handle,” René said.  “We could have been sharing in all this.”
“I wonder if the idea of all that wealth went to his head?” M. Guizot spoke up.  Nobody could imagine M. Guizot having a personal name; his gravitas was too great, and all the other plantation owners deferred to him.  He went on, “He was acting uncharacteristically, I thought.  Of course it has been to the ultimate good of the firm, but I did wonder what had got into him.”
“Oh, Henri just needed some Old World advice,” said René.  “Time for the watermelons, I think!”
Natissia gave the word, and two smiling houseboys brought in … a crate.  René tutted impatiently.  He would have liked to have had nice obedient zombies, but he dared not risk it around his wife; she might notice.  One of the house boys cracked open the seal on the crate to reveal the watermelons, rich, green-rinded fruit, still inviting, even if not prettily cut and displayed.
Inviting, that was, until they started to move.
Snake!” cried M. Guizot, in lively alarm.
But it was not a snake that burst out of the melons.
It was a grinning, black skull.
And then around it, the melons were decaying, stinking and rotten.  Maggots, worms and beetles seethed and crawled amongst the foetid mass.
The guests fled intemperately.
René started to try to rise, but somehow he was held in his seat.  Only his wife remained in the room as the servants joined the mass exodus.
“Natissia ….” He croaked.
She smiled brightly.
“Won’t you greet our final guest, husband?” she gestured to the skeleton which had been clothing itself in living flesh even as the melons decayed, and had climbed out of the crate.
“Henri ….” René gasped.
“Erzuli has granted me one hour of life, Cousin René,” said Henri.  “And if the one-way plane tickets in your pocket had been for Natissia as well as for yourself, then I might have merely made you sign over your Haitian goods to her father, who could sort things out, for I would have understood if you had killed me for the love of her.  But you have used her too.”
“I am no sentimental fool,” said René.  “What do you intend to do?”
“I intend to kill you,” said Henri.  “Your guests will remember nothing but that you had an apoplectic fit over a practical joke played on you by the servants.  It’s easier to convince people to believe something with some basis in truth.  All I require you to do is to sign a will, stating that you leave everything you own to your wife, Natissia.”
“I will not,” said René.
Henri shrugged.
“Then Natissia will make you into a zombie to right the wrongs you have done,” he said, simply.
René stared at his wife.
Natissia smiled.  It was a brittle smile.
“Henri never told you that the Mambo who created Guillaume was me,” she said.  “I follow the Loa, Erzuli, who only permits the making of zombies for good purpose.  I knew when you had killed Henri, but one cannot denounce Voudon to the authorities; they take a dim view of such reports. So, I placed my unborn son by Henri into a limbo, so he might bide his time before being born; and I waited for a chance of revenge.  That time has come.  I shall be a tragic rich widow and my posthumous son assumed to be yours.  If you sign, your death will be quick, merciful and eternal.  If you do not, then you will know the torment of being a trapped soul as my abject slave.”
Her tone was almost indifferent; no hatred, no anger.  Somehow that made her words more chilling.
René had never considered how any of his tractable zombies felt.  The idea of being aware that one was a zombie filled him with horror beyond the atheist fear of death.
He signed.
And then he prayed fervently for the first time in his life as the face of his cousin drew near, partly the handsome, ebon features of Henri in life, and yet somehow carrying the semblance of the charred remains of the burned skull laid over the jovial face.
Henri’s hands were at René’s unresisting throat, and all the teachings of the priest came back to René, who knew he was excommunicate, and that there was no heaven for those who did not repent.
With a despairing wail as Henri exerted pressure on René’s carotids, René realised that regret for consequences did not constitute repentance.


Henri kissed Natissia lightly on the lips.
“Alas, you already grow cold, my love,” said Natissia.
“The grave calls me.  Rear our son to be a good man.”
“I will.  I will teach him to wield the power with compassion.  And when he is grown, I will join you.”
“Fare well, my love.”
The flesh was already melting from his bones, and the melons restored to their former shapes, rather over-ripe, perhaps, for no power comes free, and some payment must be made for the transformaton.
The skeleton slumped in the box of melons, held together with wire, like the practical joke it had been supposed to be, and Natissia telephoned for an ambulance for her husband, her hand protectively on her belly as her son, released from limbo, began to kick.




 

Sunday, September 9, 2018

the two brothers, a pantomime

I was asked a few years ago to write a panto, and this was what I came up with, which I thought I'd share just for fun


The Two Sons
Dramatis Personae:
Mother – a poor peasant woman
George – her oldest son, feckless git
Fred – her younger son, helpful and good
The Old Crone/The Forest Fairy
The Fairy Horse
The Dangerous Witch
Act 1
Scene 1
Two sons and their mother are in a cottage. It is obvious that they are very poor with patched clothing and a very empty table. Enter MOTHER
Mother: Alack-a-day, we have not enough food to keep the three of us, and I must send forth my sons to make their own way in the world! George! Fred! Who will draw water for the evening meal?
Enter FRED
Fred: Here I am mother! I will take the pitcher to the well. Takes pitcher and exits.
Enter GEORGE.
George: That lazy brother of mine is taking his time drawing water. What have you made for us for supper, mother? I hope it's more appetising than the pea soup we always seem to have nowadays.
Mother: Alas, George, my son, you will be glad of peas if you can get them after tomorrow, for these are the last. Since the DWP stopped paying benefit to anyone who had their head still attached to their shoulders we've been done for.
Enter Fred with pitcher.
Fred: Here you are, mother! Why, how limp the bag of peas hangs – is that the last?
Mother: indeed it is, Fred [sighs] indeed it is. And we are also almost out of flour too. Eat your meal; and then I will tell you what I have decided we must do.
They eat their frugal meal, Fred with a courteous thanks to his mother and George with ill grace and much grimacing.
Mother: And now my sons, I have decided that one of you must go out into the world and seek your fortune, the one remaining to help me to tend the few pea plants we have and harvest them and snare such game as you may.
George: go out into the world! I don't think that would be much point, mother! I don't want to have the hassle of looking for a job. Why, so much contact with people would be injurious to my health; I'd be bound to catch a mancold! And my back… nobody knows how I suffer. How I wish I was a banker, they don't do a thing and still get paid big bonuses [sighs]
Fred: I will be glad to go and seek a fortune to bring home for you mother. I will start tomorrow.
Mother: I cannot send you with more than this last loaf, my son; and with all my blessing.
Scene 2
A clearing in the forest. FRED is sat on a fallen tree with his loaf – it's very small – by a stream from which he drinks. An OLD CRONE hobbles out of the forest.
Old Crone: Good morrow young fellow, wilt share thy loaf with me and tell me wither away?
Fred: Why of course, grandmother; come and share this log with me – here, let me spread my cloak for you to sit on. It is not much but you are welcome to share all you wish. I am away to seek my fortune; though I am not sure where to look.
Old Crone: Thank you young fellow, you are a kind youth. In return for your generosity here is a bag with three beans in it; each time anyone eats one; they will be filled with strength and vigour and be restored. I will also give you some advice. Follow the stream until you reach a pool, where you will find many fat fish to catch and eat; then head east with the setting sun at your back. Far away is a Dangerous Witch who will give you work for a year and a day. Mark my words, however, she is only dangerous to those who are not diligent and honest.
Fred: thank you grandmother. May you walk in peace for your good advice. If you will go with me to the pool I will catch fish for you too and protect you in the wild wood
Old Crone: Do not worry about me, young man; I have many friends in the wild wood. I have nothing to fear.
Scene 3
Back in the cottage. George has his feet on the table reading some disreputable newspaper while his mother cleans the house around him.
Mother: George, you treat this place like a hotel! How many times do I have to ask you to draw water for me?
George: aside Really, she treats me like a servant; if only I could meet a beautiful fairy princess like the fabled Forest Fairy, who would, of course, fall in love with such a handsome, well set up fellow as myself, born to be above all this coarse work! To his mother Oh all right mother, if I must. My poor back will never be the same with all this heavy work; it's too bad of Fred not to have come back by now, he must have been gone almost a week and the lazy fellow still hasn't made his fortune. Obviously he doesn't read the right fairy tales and doesn't know he has to find and kill the ogre.
Mother Tartly: Well if you know where to find an ogre to kill, George, why don't you go and kill it?
George: Really, mother, why would I want to do that? Far too much like hard work. And besides, I might get hurt; and with the NHS being sold off to Richard Branson I might end up being given an involuntary sex change to be made into a Virgin.
Scene 4
A brook with a mill beside which is a very broken down looking nag. Fred is approaching whistling 'I wanna be happy' or 'All you need is love' or something similar.
Fred: Hello old horse! You look very tired and your back is sore. Let me draw you some water. Am I on the right road for the Dangerous Witch?"
Horse: [neighing] Indeeeheeheehed you ahahahre!" drinks deeply as FRED uses his hat to scoop water from the stream for the animal to drink. Thank yohuhu!
Fred: Old horse, you look so tired, I have an idea; I have been given some magic beans that help tiredness, here, you have one.
The horse eats one of the proffered beans and begins to skip and cavort like a foal.
Horse: Why thank you young man, I feel much more the thing, and even able to talk without neighing! I will go with you to the Dangerous Witch and bear you aid. Mount my back!
Fred: Why I shall be glad of your company, good horse; but I will not mount you in case your back is still sore. What has befallen you?
Horse: Oh the miller is a cruel man who beats me and starves me. I shall leave him for a new master.
Fred: Then let us travel onward. Is it far?
Horse: Just a few leagues. Well actually as we now have to come into line with Europe it's 17.346 kilometres but that's not as romantic.
Scene 5
The Dangerous Witch's lands with her fantastical house behind. The witch is grumbling to herself as she digs the land.
Witch: all these regulations, can't cultivate that field, must only grow Eurocrops in that field, pumpkins must only be grown with a 5% tolerance of oblateness, cucumbers have to be straight [flourishes a cucumber suggestively] and regulations on noise abatement when pulling mandrakes after eleven at night! I'd take away the French President's personality by magic if he only had one!
FRED and HORSE approach.
Fred: Excuse me, ma'am, are you the Dangerous Witch?
Witch: [cackles in glee] At last! A youth with no pretensions to PC who doesn't call me 'Health and Safety Refused Operative of Magic'! What can I do for you?
Fred: Well Horse and I were looking for work. You have a sizeable plot to cultivate here, ma'am, I may only have experience growing peas but I can learn.
Witch: well that puts you ahead of the Euro-inspectorate who only have experience taking the peas. Your contract is for a year and a day; your keep; and any reward I think you might be worth."
Fred: That seems fair to me, so long as the horse has his keep too.
Witch: well that won't stick in the throat as he's only a little horse. Off you go and plough that field.
Horse and Fred go off stage with sounds of 'giddap my friend' and 'hold your hosses' from the pair.
Witch: They seem a goodly pair. I'm not going to regret this bargain at all. Such a hard working youth and his diligent horse could even save the economy of Greece. Why my grapes will be so good they'll even make a French wine. Not that it takes much to make the French whine.
Act 2
Scene 1
Back in the hut. If anything it looks even shabbier but George has managed to put on weight. His mother is bent and careworn.
Mother: More than a year has passed now since Fred left, and I am so very tired. George, I fear I cannot keep you any longer; you will have to go out and find your fortune.
George: [aside] That's going to make drawing the pension of all those dead old folk a bit harder, since the old folk's home they are in hasn't noticed yet that they've been mummified for almost a year. [to mother] Oh mother, can't we wait a little longer and see if Fred returns?
Mother: well… only a little longer, my son. [sounds of a footfall without] Hark, I hear a footfall – the door opens! [enter Fred, looking very dapper] Fred, my son! You look well!
George gives Fred a startled and somewhat jealous look.
George: Fred! So you really did find your fortune!
Mother: Tell us all about it, my son!
Fred: Well, I struck south and met an old crone who directed me to follow the stream to a pool where there were many fish, and to go east. I came to a mill, where Horse agreed to go with me to the Dangerous Witch, and I contracted to work for her for a year and a day. It was hard work but Horse and I helped each other, and the Witch gave me gold, jewels and a magic bag which is always full of food. Here it is, mother; that is for you so you will never go hungry again [hands over a co-op bag for life obviously full of something].
Mother: Oh my son! You have done so well!
Fred: That isn't all, mother; I have here a magic bean that removes all tiredness; eat it now and you will feel much better!
Mother: [straightening up] Oh, that's wonderful! That didn't come from the NHS!
George: [aside] I must do myself all these favours; stands to reason if she gave my idiot younger brother so much, she'd give me much more. [Loudly] My brother, I will take this horse of yours and try my own fortune.
Fred: Oh, Horse is gone; he's free now.
George [going purple] You IDIOT! You could have sold it or – well, it's plain when I return I will be far more sensible and better off than you!
George snatches the loaf from the table, raids the magic bag of a pork pie, apples and so on and stalks out.
Scene 2
In the forest clearing. George is about to devour his packed lunch. The OLD CRONE steps out of the wood.
Old Crone: Good morrow young fellow, wilt share thy loaf with me and tell me wither away?
George: Uggh, get away from me you dirty old beggar – people like you should be locked up or deported or something. You aren't having any of my meal, not even the lousy loaf made with the last of the flour.
Old Crone: Then you will make your own fortune, young man.
George: yeah, that's what I'm going to do, make my own fortune! Now hoppit, vamoose, begone before I have the fuzz take you away!
Scene 3
The mill stream by the mill where HORSE is there in the same parlous state as when FRED found him.
George walks up to HORSE.
George: Here's a bit of luck, a horse; a bit broken down but never mind. Climbs on HORSE.
Horse: I am tihihired, and my back is sohorhore! Have you no pity?
George: The hell you say, dobbin; giddap there!
Horse:aside well if the fellow plans to ride a broken down nag, he can't complain of the consequences. Reminds me of the fellow who was into necrophilia, sadism and bestiality, but I told him he was only flogging a dead horse.
They ride off.
Scene 4
The Witch's place. The witch is tending her land. GEORGE hobbles up bow legged.
George: Hey, you silly old bat, you need me to tend your land; I know all about how to keep land in good heart.
Witch: indeed? Well, well, we shall see. There is my land.
George: And where are the machines? Or do you use magical devices?
Witch: Machines! Well, there's a spade and a fork and a hoe, and you have a brow to sweat; there's a pump for water and a fine watering can. What more does anyone need to grow crops?
George: What! You must be barking! If you think I'm going to work like a cur on your land with nothing but my hands you bitc – woof! Woof! [he becomes a dog]
Witch: well you chose what to be turned into; lie down, Fido! You might as well be harnessed to a wheel to at least lift water for me while that poor nag recovers its strength.
George runs away howling.
Scene 5
The hut of the mother and two sons. Fred is bringing in wood he has obviously been chopping, there is an air of quiet plenty.
Fred: I can't help wondering what George is up to; he's a bit short with people who need help, I wonder if he had as much aid as I did.
Mother: George had always had such mighty expectations. Did you hear that? is it a wolf howling? [howls without]
Fred: I will go and see. Opens door with axe in hand No, it's nothing but a dog. Hello dog! What is wrong with you?
George: Woof! Woof!
Fred: poor old fellow! I wonder if you're lost.
There is a knock on the door. Fred answers it. There is a beautiful woman and a man there. The beautiful woman is the Forest Fairy and the man is the Horse.
Fred: Hello! Is this your dog?
Forest Fairy: Indeed no; this is your brother George, who insulted the Dangerous Witch after misusing my brother, whom you know as Horse. Even as you know me as Old Crone.
Fred: I – I don't understand!
Forest Fairy aside the trouble with archetypal heroes is that they are too filled with kindness and nobility to have much room for brains. To Fred I and my brother were cursed by the Dangerous Witch's wicked sister, and could only return freely to our own forms once someone performed an act of kindness to each of us. We chose to resume the forms to test your brother and give him the chance to reform. Alas, he failed the test and is now this sorry cur.
Fred: Why, how fortunate it is that I have one bean left that will restore him. It will, won't it? appealing to the Forest Fairy.
Forest Fairy: It will indeed. Are you sure you want to do this?
Fred: He may not be much of a brother, but he's still my brother gives George the final bean.
George: It isn't fair! I should have got all the gifts I ….
The Forest fairy gestures and George continues moving his mouth but no sound issues.
Mother: That's very nice my dear. Now, while you're looking at my Fred like that, why don't we plan the wedding while Fred settles George somewhere nice and comfortable out of the way?
Horse: Oh I have an idea for George; a little cottage of his own with an everful food bag to himself. In no time flat he'll eat himself so fat he won't be able to get out and bother anyone. Fred, my good fellow, what are your intentions to my sister?
Fred: goggling You are a beautiful fairy, lady; how can I ask your hand in marriage?
Forest fairy: Most people use a combination of lips, tongue and oesophagus dear. Aside I didn't think he was that wanting.
Fred: Then let us be wed, my lovely and live happily ever after. I shouldn't mind being the Dangerous Witch's farm manager if only I might have my mother to live with me there, and my lovely wife.
Forest Fairy: Let the celebrations begin!
The Dangerous Witch: suddenly appearing And I'll see if I can't offset multiple occupancy against tax somehow – a happy ending for everyone!
Finis.

Thursday, September 6, 2018

Glossary of terms for Bess


Glossary of terms:

Airling             The Tudor equivalent of airhead

Berfrois           A stand for spectators, originally for tourneys, a level above the ground

Bonded           Those who have made a mental bond, may refer to a pair, one human one dragon, or to either of the pair.  Written with a capital to refer to those Bonded to dragons, but in lower case if bonded to a drakeling

By my troth    Today we should say ‘upon my word!’ or ‘My goodness!’ if used in surprise, or the phrase may be used to express a serious promise e.g. ‘by my troth, mistress, I shall protect you with my life.’

Certes              Certainly

Chapman         A peddler of various small wares who travelled around the countryside with a pack of goods on his back and often a tray he wore suspended from his neck on which to display them in each village.

Chap-book      A pamphlet, often illustrated with wood-cut pictures, about items of interest, usually doings at court, famous people, new fashions, exciting discoveries etc.

Common
Wyrms            Topaz dragons, a mistaken name

Coney             The name used at the time for a full-grown rabbit; rabbit was used only for the young, as pig was used for what today we call piglet, hog being the full grown animal.

Coruscation    A flock of drakelings; coined recently.

Dominie          A schoolmaster

Dortoir            We’d call it a dormitory nowadays

Drakelings       Tiny dragon-like creatures possibly made as pets by dragons in the past.

Draxery           The study and art of dragon care

Draxier            One who has Bonded with a dragon, an honorific even as ‘Doctor’ is

Farced             When roasting poultry, this is when fat or fatty meat is placed under the skin to help keep the bird moist and to crisp the skin.

Farthingale      A wide, hooped skirt .

Fie!                  An expression of disapproval, may indicate surprise but in a negative way

Froward          Contrary; someone who stubbornly resists authority

Galligaskins    Loose breeches caught under the knee, suitable for working in.

Good lack!      An expression of surprise

Gramercy!       An expression of surprised gratitude

Grow a rose    Euphemism for relieving the bladder

Humanism       A belief that the actions of human beings are important individually and collectively, emphasising critical and rational thinking above acceptance of superstition or dogma. Humanists follow this belief.

Jakes               The toilet. Commonly outside, with a seat over a cess pit, dug out by a ‘gong farmer’ twice a year.  Often communal.

Lackaday!       Also well-a-day, an expression of sorrow or misfortune.

Legr                A lair, or cave for a dragon to live.  When capitalised, it is a collection of legrs in a cliff

Leman             Lover

Lorewyrms      Amethyst dragons, known for their knowledge.  The only dragons which would re-Bond

Marry!             An expression of surprise.

Nurture-
Wyrms            Topaz wyrms, mostly female, one of the two colours known to breed

Speedwyrms   Beryl dragons, notable for their speed

Spellwyrms     Diamond dragons, black in colour as diamonds of the time were not cut with the brilliant cut later discovered

Warwyrms      Ruby dragons, known for their aggression.Mostly male, one of the two colours known to breed.

 A quick note for those who are interested

Once, English had a similar construction to European languages in having a familiar form for the second person pronouns, used to children, social inferiors and between those who were very close and do not even get me onto the subject of how T'Pau mangles it in 'Amok Time' [Star Trek Original, series 2].
Thou is subject, thee is object.  It isn't hard.  Thou hast done something. I do something to thee. 
Endings of related verbs have to agree.  in general it's -st for second person and -th for third
He hath been there
Hast thou been there?
I wrote a longer blog post on this on my Renaissance and Regency Rummage Repository; I confess it's a challenge to have to work it out by the rules because I've never had a problem just using it.  Put it down to eclectic reading from an early age. 

You'll also find I use words which have passed largely into lawyer-speak like hitherto, whereof and wherefore [which means 'why', hence, 'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?'  where Juliet laments that the boy she wants to snog senseless is from the wrong family.]

I am trying to keep that balance of period and readability, and avoiding the sort of smutty puns Master Shakespeare thrived on since we no longer pronounce 'hour' and 'whore' the same way.  I was fortunate to have an English teacher - and American lady as it happens - who was fascinated by linguistic drift and told us all the smutty bits.  Shakespeare could have given Billy Connolly a run for his money.

Thursday, August 30, 2018

elizabethan dances

here's a good view of the Volta here and the second pair show how a man is supposed to use his thigh and knee to boost the lift of the woman  and yet they manage to be moderately decorous

and here is a galliard with a rather voltaish movement at the end. 

and the pavane here