the alternative bride 2

 Freddy is now Freddie in the main copy so disregard spelling variations here.

Chapter 2

 

“I had a word with my groom; the bride’s trousseau was to be transferred to my coach, and so it has been,” said Gerard. “I paid for it, after all; and I’ll be damned if I pay for Freddy’s bride. If he had come to me like a man, and admitted that he loved my bride, demme, I’d have released her, and let her keep the fal-lals.”

“She didn’t want to be released,” said Jane. “She intended to get with child by you and carry on with Freddy.  Helen – my stepmother – knew, she said it was Marriage à la Mode. I think it’s discourteous, even if one does not expect love in marriage.”

“Deuced rude, not just discourteous,” said Gerard. “So, you don’t expect love?”

“It seems rather a lot to hope for, from a rather sudden husband who does not even know me,” said Jane. “And who has not considered that my looks are sufficiently different to those of my step-sister that I will look a frump in most of her clothes.”

“Hell! She’s the wrong shape and colouring for you,” said Gerard. “You look so charming in that pink thing, I hadn’t thought.”

“Pink is fortuitous to me,” said Jane. “Despite a hint of chestnut in my hair. Moreover, I managed to persuade Madelaine that I did not want to have too much decoration, and she was happy to comply as it would draw less attention to me, and emphasise how overblown her wedding gown was, as well as having someone plain to show off her beauty.”

“You ain’t plain, you know,” said Gerard, critically. “You ain’t a diamond of the first water, but you’re a pretty girl with a good deal of character to your face. And that won’t disappear as you get older.  You’ll always have character, and I suspect you’re sweet natured enough that you’ll always have the beauty of serenity, long past the time when your step-sister looks like a shrew and has acquired a voice that can cut paper and shatter glass.”

“Oh, she already has that when she... forgot what I was going to say,” said Jane, flushing, but involuntarily put a hand to her face.

“Oh, and free with her hands too? You know, Freddy’s welcome to her.  I should have looked closer at the family instead of choosing Marriage à la Mode.  But, I do feel guilty, you’re just a child to run off with, and I don’t even know how old you are!”

“I’m seventeen, my lord,” said Jane.

“Really?  I had some idea you must be much younger to be kept so much in the background... I’d forgotten it was so long since your father died. He and my father were good friends, and he was kind to an awkward and studious youth. My dear girl! I am sorry, I did not realise talking of him would be so painful after so long a juncture,” he added, as tears ran down Jane’s face.

“Oh! I don’t know why I am crying, perhaps because it is so long since anyone spoke of my real father, as even Helen refers to my stepfather as ‘your father.’ 

“Demme! So, you are not even actually related to anyone in your home?”

“No, except my half-brother, Tommy, and Helen is devoted to him, because he means my stepfather has an heir so she does not need to go through childbed again.  I... technically I own the house. No, you own the house, because you own me; Papa left it to Mama and me, but when she remarried, it reverted in its entirety to me, her widow’s remainder to come out of my dowry. Half of which came to me when she died and is in the funds. I am not a poor relation, however it looks; I own a town house, and there is quite ten thousand in the funds.” She put up her chin.

“I like it when my mouse roars,” said Gerard, appreciatively. “I hope nobody will think me a fortune hunter!”

His eyes twinkled, and Jane laughed, recognising this jest for what it was, since he was much wealthier.

“I was going to say, I am happy to leave them living in the house, but it is your decision, of course,” said Jane.

“I recall your stepmother saying once that they gave her husband’s stepchild a home in their house out of the goodness of their hearts, despite her being a most awkward child; I suppose it was then when I conceived the idea that you were so much younger. You are petite as well.”

“Petite! What a nice way to put ‘short and dumpy,’ said Jane.

“But you are not dumpy in the least; just small,” said Gerard. “They say the best things come in small packages,” he twinkled at her again.

“I suppose I envy Madelaine her elegance,” said Jane. “I am glad you don’t think me dumpy and frumpy.”

“I hear Madelaine in that,” said Gerard. “Well! I am going to have my man of affairs write to your stepfather, and tell him that whilst it was quite acceptable for him to be living rent-free in his stepdaughter’s house whilst he had the rearing of her, I shall expect rent to be paid for it from now on.”

“That will be a shock to Helen; I think she thinks he owns it,” said Jane. “She is not a bad woman, but I cannot help some resentment. I don’t want gratitude for having the good fortune to own a house in so good a neighbourhood, but I have hated feeling that I should be the one always to be grateful. Most of my clothes are Madelaine’s hand-me-downs, and I take all the frills off, and Madelaine expects me to put the best ones back on new gowns for her, and... oh, never mind, I can be vitriolic if I let my tongue loose.”

“I look forward to hearing it. Poor Mouse! But you have to confess, it has some fine irony to it, and will be a good story in my club, that the heiress has been treated like a hired companion by her poor relations. I will have my man of affairs check your dowry too, and see it has not been mismanaged,” he added, thoughtfully.

“I don’t think step-papa was fraudulent,” said Jane. “A cold man, surely; but not a thief.”

“That, I am glad to hear,” said Gerard. “In which case, having once reminded him who owns the house, I will charge him only a peppercorn rent.”

“For making the point, not the money,” Jane nodded. “Yes.”

“I am glad you understand.”

“It’s very nice for a mouse to have someone to roar for her; I did not like to make an issue of it, because as my guardian, my stepfather had every right to administer my fortune, and Helen and Madelaine could have made life very uncomfortable for me.”

“Yes, I can imagine.  Well, it relieves my mind, that you have nothing you wish to collect from your former home, and I will purchase you a new wardrobe when we have time, and I think  you will look delightful not merely in pink, but in autumnal colours.”

“I was planning on changing into Madelaine’s plainest gown, which is a day gown in jonquil muslin, which she included in her trousseau rather than discarding it merely because I said I would not mind wearing it so there was no waste.”

“Spiteful! Yes, jonquil will suit you very well. And I am relieved you have a decent day gown to wear. And some in white?”

“Yes, but I will want to take off some of the excess frills.”

“You will have time on the journey.”

“We appear to be leaving London; are we going to your country seat, my lord? I thought you had a place in the west, but we appear to be going north.”

He smirked at her, and she realised he had a dimple; and how his eyes danced!

“I have a small property in the north, and I thought we might pretend that I had eloped with the bridesmaid and were heading for Gretna. And once ensconced in Northumberland, with a plethora of mantua-makers, it will give you time to get used to the idea of being my viscountess, and where we can get to know each other, before you must be thrust into public life.”

“Oh! How good you are, my lord.”

“I know how shy you are, my Mouse. Jane! My name is Gerard. I would like you to try to use it.”

“I... yes, Gerard,” said Jane. “How scandalous for us to be eloping! It is very liberating.”

He laughed.

“I am glad you find it so. I feared you might be mortified.”

“No, it is an adventure. G... Gerard, can I ask you something?”

“You can always ask,” said Gerard.

“Do you have a mistress?” asked Jane.

“Good Lord! The last question a man expects his wife to ask on their wedding day! Yes, Jane, I have a mistress. Or rather, I had a mistress. I had given her her congé, with a generous gift, of course, because of my wedding; even in a loveless match, I strongly anticipated being able to give my bride a good time in the bedroom, and of course, one always hopes for love, or at least, affection to grow, in which case maintaining a mistress would be impolite to both mistress and wife. I believe I have more courtesy than either Freddie or Madelaine.”

“Oh, I wondered if I should talk to your mistress to ask her what you like,” said Jane.

“On no account! She’s been an amusing diversion but she’d take that as a way to put you down and try to use you to get back into my bed. Why on earth should you want to ask her, when you could ask me?”

“Shyness,” said Jane, blushing violently. “I am not precisely sure of what goes on in the marriage bed, save that, having helped Mama with giving birth to Tommy, it involves such parts as are not usually considered mentionable, in order to get a child. And I confess, childbed scares me somewhat.  And that is another demand I would make, my lord!”

“What is that?”

“That I should not be constantly with child, for I cannot think it is conducive to either a healthy baby, and certainly not to the survival of the mother,” said Jane.

“That seems reasonable,” said Gerard. “There are ways to avoid pregnancy other than abstention. I will add also to the list that we should explore each other’s likes and dislikes. I have had one mistress who liked her nipples tweaked, pulled, nibbled and so on; and another who hates them being touched at all. So I am aware that tastes vary.”

He could not but notice that her own nipples had increased slightly in size, and she blushed.

“And there might also be a happy medium?” she said, in a small voice.

“If that were the case, I would be very happy to explore it,” said Gerard, gravely. “I don’t like my own to be manhandled too roughly, but touching is pleasant.”

“You have nipples?” she asked, shocked. “But why?”

“The Good Lord has not seen fit to answer that question,” said Gerard. His eyes danced. “Perhaps to persuade men not to take too many liberties with those of their lovers, if they can have retaliation wrought. Breasts and nipples are very exciting toys, you know, and playing with them can be very exhilarating.”

“Oh!” said Jane, who was scarlet. “Well, I... I will do my best to be a good wife, and I read somewhere that the best of wives is a mistress in the bedroom and a hostess in the ballroom.”

“Now, that sounds like very sound advice to me,” said Gerard. “What did it say about good husbands?”

“It didn’t,” said Jane. “But I think it would be to be attentive without being overbearing, and to be ready to listen.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” said Gerard. “What about being a tiger in the bedroom, and a pussy-cat in the salon?”

Jane laughed.

“So long as neither of those cats wants to eat a mouse!” she said.

“Not a mouse that can roar,” said Gerard.

“Then I think perhaps that is a good definition of a good husband,” said Jane, blushing.  “Oh, dear!  I have had a most reprehensible thought!”

“Will you share it?”

“I... you must forgive my blushes.  Only... Tigers are a bit like big, fierce cats, yes?”

“They are.”

“And cats w... wash a lot....”

“I can’t reach to wash myself in privy places, I don’t bend as much as a cat, I’m afraid, if you were hoping for the entertainment,” said Gerard, gravely. “But reciprocal washing, now....”

“Oh, my goodness!” said Jane.

“But, just think! You may be embarrassed now, but if we can get the embarrassment out of the way on our way north, we have a better idea of each other, and the worst bit of it over.”

“I suppose so. I... thank you for being candid, I do not want to be vulgar, but I do want to know what’s supposed to happen.”

Gerard found it was his turn to blush.

“Your stepmother did not bother to explain?”

“Oh! She did not expect me ever to marry, so there was no necessity for her to explain such things. We had a rather muddled class at school about the birds and the bees, but I do not precisely know what that had to do with human anatomy.  Men are, I know vastly different in their anatomy, and in that tone of whisper, but I do not know in what manner, or how intimacy is effected.”

“Well, in a good relationship, nothing is effected as such, it happens with a degree of happy spontaneity. It’s no good mapping my body and yours according to geography with globes and hoping for instructions on navigation to help... oh dear, now I have the ridiculous image of a young subaltern with the instruction manual trying to conquer his first whore by the numbers.”

Jane giggled.

“I am glad you have a sense of the ridiculous, it should make things easier, because if we can laugh when things don’t quite work, it’s better than getting upset.  Before we leave the city behind us, do you think you can procure such things as a hairbrush and toothbrush for me? I don’t have anything of the sort.”

“Oh, my goodness!” said Gerard. He rapped on the door to the coachman’s seat, and spoke when it was opened. “Jelves, my lady has no toiletries. Find somewhere to purchase brush, comb, toothbrush, tooth powder, nail scissors and the like.”

“Yes, my lord,” said the imperturbable Jelves.  It was some while before they stopped, and after a wait of some fifteen minutes, the coach door opened.

“My lady,” said Jelves. “Pushed on into Saint Albans; wasn’t much point stopping before. They ain’t what you’ll be used to, but better’n nuffink”

“Many thanks, Jelves,” said Jane.

“O’ course, if his lordship had of thought to take up your maid, she’d of thought of it,” said Jelves.

“I beg your pardon, Jane; I was deficient in that,” said Gerard, appalled at his lack of forethought.

“I don’t have a maid; Helen did not think that I required one,” said Jane. “Indeed, I acted as dresser for Madelaine.”

“It won’t look good, me lord,” said Jelves, sucking his teeth. . “I take it you was eating here?”

“It doesn’t have to look good, Jelves, we’re pretending to be eloping,” said Jane.

“We’ll eat here and never mind how it looks,” said Gerard.

 “Happen I might know someone,” said Jelves, shutting the door, and getting back on the box.

“Now we’ve done it,” said Gerard. “No more intimate and shocking conversations once he saddles you with some hatchet-faced sister of his or someone he thinks suitable.”

“I am sure we shall endure it,” said Jane. “Anyway, how do you know she will be hatchet-faced?”

“Haven’t you seen his profile?” said Gerard.