the two brothers, a pantomime

I was asked a few years ago to write a panto, and this was what I came up with, which I thought I'd share just for fun


The Two Sons
Dramatis Personae:
Mother – a poor peasant woman
George – her oldest son, feckless git
Fred – her younger son, helpful and good
The Old Crone/The Forest Fairy
The Fairy Horse
The Dangerous Witch
Act 1
Scene 1
Two sons and their mother are in a cottage. It is obvious that they are very poor with patched clothing and a very empty table. Enter MOTHER
Mother: Alack-a-day, we have not enough food to keep the three of us, and I must send forth my sons to make their own way in the world! George! Fred! Who will draw water for the evening meal?
Enter FRED
Fred: Here I am mother! I will take the pitcher to the well. Takes pitcher and exits.
Enter GEORGE.
George: That lazy brother of mine is taking his time drawing water. What have you made for us for supper, mother? I hope it's more appetising than the pea soup we always seem to have nowadays.
Mother: Alas, George, my son, you will be glad of peas if you can get them after tomorrow, for these are the last. Since the DWP stopped paying benefit to anyone who had their head still attached to their shoulders we've been done for.
Enter Fred with pitcher.
Fred: Here you are, mother! Why, how limp the bag of peas hangs – is that the last?
Mother: indeed it is, Fred [sighs] indeed it is. And we are also almost out of flour too. Eat your meal; and then I will tell you what I have decided we must do.
They eat their frugal meal, Fred with a courteous thanks to his mother and George with ill grace and much grimacing.
Mother: And now my sons, I have decided that one of you must go out into the world and seek your fortune, the one remaining to help me to tend the few pea plants we have and harvest them and snare such game as you may.
George: go out into the world! I don't think that would be much point, mother! I don't want to have the hassle of looking for a job. Why, so much contact with people would be injurious to my health; I'd be bound to catch a mancold! And my back… nobody knows how I suffer. How I wish I was a banker, they don't do a thing and still get paid big bonuses [sighs]
Fred: I will be glad to go and seek a fortune to bring home for you mother. I will start tomorrow.
Mother: I cannot send you with more than this last loaf, my son; and with all my blessing.
Scene 2
A clearing in the forest. FRED is sat on a fallen tree with his loaf – it's very small – by a stream from which he drinks. An OLD CRONE hobbles out of the forest.
Old Crone: Good morrow young fellow, wilt share thy loaf with me and tell me wither away?
Fred: Why of course, grandmother; come and share this log with me – here, let me spread my cloak for you to sit on. It is not much but you are welcome to share all you wish. I am away to seek my fortune; though I am not sure where to look.
Old Crone: Thank you young fellow, you are a kind youth. In return for your generosity here is a bag with three beans in it; each time anyone eats one; they will be filled with strength and vigour and be restored. I will also give you some advice. Follow the stream until you reach a pool, where you will find many fat fish to catch and eat; then head east with the setting sun at your back. Far away is a Dangerous Witch who will give you work for a year and a day. Mark my words, however, she is only dangerous to those who are not diligent and honest.
Fred: thank you grandmother. May you walk in peace for your good advice. If you will go with me to the pool I will catch fish for you too and protect you in the wild wood
Old Crone: Do not worry about me, young man; I have many friends in the wild wood. I have nothing to fear.
Scene 3
Back in the cottage. George has his feet on the table reading some disreputable newspaper while his mother cleans the house around him.
Mother: George, you treat this place like a hotel! How many times do I have to ask you to draw water for me?
George: aside Really, she treats me like a servant; if only I could meet a beautiful fairy princess like the fabled Forest Fairy, who would, of course, fall in love with such a handsome, well set up fellow as myself, born to be above all this coarse work! To his mother Oh all right mother, if I must. My poor back will never be the same with all this heavy work; it's too bad of Fred not to have come back by now, he must have been gone almost a week and the lazy fellow still hasn't made his fortune. Obviously he doesn't read the right fairy tales and doesn't know he has to find and kill the ogre.
Mother Tartly: Well if you know where to find an ogre to kill, George, why don't you go and kill it?
George: Really, mother, why would I want to do that? Far too much like hard work. And besides, I might get hurt; and with the NHS being sold off to Richard Branson I might end up being given an involuntary sex change to be made into a Virgin.
Scene 4
A brook with a mill beside which is a very broken down looking nag. Fred is approaching whistling 'I wanna be happy' or 'All you need is love' or something similar.
Fred: Hello old horse! You look very tired and your back is sore. Let me draw you some water. Am I on the right road for the Dangerous Witch?"
Horse: [neighing] Indeeeheeheehed you ahahahre!" drinks deeply as FRED uses his hat to scoop water from the stream for the animal to drink. Thank yohuhu!
Fred: Old horse, you look so tired, I have an idea; I have been given some magic beans that help tiredness, here, you have one.
The horse eats one of the proffered beans and begins to skip and cavort like a foal.
Horse: Why thank you young man, I feel much more the thing, and even able to talk without neighing! I will go with you to the Dangerous Witch and bear you aid. Mount my back!
Fred: Why I shall be glad of your company, good horse; but I will not mount you in case your back is still sore. What has befallen you?
Horse: Oh the miller is a cruel man who beats me and starves me. I shall leave him for a new master.
Fred: Then let us travel onward. Is it far?
Horse: Just a few leagues. Well actually as we now have to come into line with Europe it's 17.346 kilometres but that's not as romantic.
Scene 5
The Dangerous Witch's lands with her fantastical house behind. The witch is grumbling to herself as she digs the land.
Witch: all these regulations, can't cultivate that field, must only grow Eurocrops in that field, pumpkins must only be grown with a 5% tolerance of oblateness, cucumbers have to be straight [flourishes a cucumber suggestively] and regulations on noise abatement when pulling mandrakes after eleven at night! I'd take away the French President's personality by magic if he only had one!
FRED and HORSE approach.
Fred: Excuse me, ma'am, are you the Dangerous Witch?
Witch: [cackles in glee] At last! A youth with no pretensions to PC who doesn't call me 'Health and Safety Refused Operative of Magic'! What can I do for you?
Fred: Well Horse and I were looking for work. You have a sizeable plot to cultivate here, ma'am, I may only have experience growing peas but I can learn.
Witch: well that puts you ahead of the Euro-inspectorate who only have experience taking the peas. Your contract is for a year and a day; your keep; and any reward I think you might be worth."
Fred: That seems fair to me, so long as the horse has his keep too.
Witch: well that won't stick in the throat as he's only a little horse. Off you go and plough that field.
Horse and Fred go off stage with sounds of 'giddap my friend' and 'hold your hosses' from the pair.
Witch: They seem a goodly pair. I'm not going to regret this bargain at all. Such a hard working youth and his diligent horse could even save the economy of Greece. Why my grapes will be so good they'll even make a French wine. Not that it takes much to make the French whine.
Act 2
Scene 1
Back in the hut. If anything it looks even shabbier but George has managed to put on weight. His mother is bent and careworn.
Mother: More than a year has passed now since Fred left, and I am so very tired. George, I fear I cannot keep you any longer; you will have to go out and find your fortune.
George: [aside] That's going to make drawing the pension of all those dead old folk a bit harder, since the old folk's home they are in hasn't noticed yet that they've been mummified for almost a year. [to mother] Oh mother, can't we wait a little longer and see if Fred returns?
Mother: well… only a little longer, my son. [sounds of a footfall without] Hark, I hear a footfall – the door opens! [enter Fred, looking very dapper] Fred, my son! You look well!
George gives Fred a startled and somewhat jealous look.
George: Fred! So you really did find your fortune!
Mother: Tell us all about it, my son!
Fred: Well, I struck south and met an old crone who directed me to follow the stream to a pool where there were many fish, and to go east. I came to a mill, where Horse agreed to go with me to the Dangerous Witch, and I contracted to work for her for a year and a day. It was hard work but Horse and I helped each other, and the Witch gave me gold, jewels and a magic bag which is always full of food. Here it is, mother; that is for you so you will never go hungry again [hands over a co-op bag for life obviously full of something].
Mother: Oh my son! You have done so well!
Fred: That isn't all, mother; I have here a magic bean that removes all tiredness; eat it now and you will feel much better!
Mother: [straightening up] Oh, that's wonderful! That didn't come from the NHS!
George: [aside] I must do myself all these favours; stands to reason if she gave my idiot younger brother so much, she'd give me much more. [Loudly] My brother, I will take this horse of yours and try my own fortune.
Fred: Oh, Horse is gone; he's free now.
George [going purple] You IDIOT! You could have sold it or – well, it's plain when I return I will be far more sensible and better off than you!
George snatches the loaf from the table, raids the magic bag of a pork pie, apples and so on and stalks out.
Scene 2
In the forest clearing. George is about to devour his packed lunch. The OLD CRONE steps out of the wood.
Old Crone: Good morrow young fellow, wilt share thy loaf with me and tell me wither away?
George: Uggh, get away from me you dirty old beggar – people like you should be locked up or deported or something. You aren't having any of my meal, not even the lousy loaf made with the last of the flour.
Old Crone: Then you will make your own fortune, young man.
George: yeah, that's what I'm going to do, make my own fortune! Now hoppit, vamoose, begone before I have the fuzz take you away!
Scene 3
The mill stream by the mill where HORSE is there in the same parlous state as when FRED found him.
George walks up to HORSE.
George: Here's a bit of luck, a horse; a bit broken down but never mind. Climbs on HORSE.
Horse: I am tihihired, and my back is sohorhore! Have you no pity?
George: The hell you say, dobbin; giddap there!
Horse:aside well if the fellow plans to ride a broken down nag, he can't complain of the consequences. Reminds me of the fellow who was into necrophilia, sadism and bestiality, but I told him he was only flogging a dead horse.
They ride off.
Scene 4
The Witch's place. The witch is tending her land. GEORGE hobbles up bow legged.
George: Hey, you silly old bat, you need me to tend your land; I know all about how to keep land in good heart.
Witch: indeed? Well, well, we shall see. There is my land.
George: And where are the machines? Or do you use magical devices?
Witch: Machines! Well, there's a spade and a fork and a hoe, and you have a brow to sweat; there's a pump for water and a fine watering can. What more does anyone need to grow crops?
George: What! You must be barking! If you think I'm going to work like a cur on your land with nothing but my hands you bitc – woof! Woof! [he becomes a dog]
Witch: well you chose what to be turned into; lie down, Fido! You might as well be harnessed to a wheel to at least lift water for me while that poor nag recovers its strength.
George runs away howling.
Scene 5
The hut of the mother and two sons. Fred is bringing in wood he has obviously been chopping, there is an air of quiet plenty.
Fred: I can't help wondering what George is up to; he's a bit short with people who need help, I wonder if he had as much aid as I did.
Mother: George had always had such mighty expectations. Did you hear that? is it a wolf howling? [howls without]
Fred: I will go and see. Opens door with axe in hand No, it's nothing but a dog. Hello dog! What is wrong with you?
George: Woof! Woof!
Fred: poor old fellow! I wonder if you're lost.
There is a knock on the door. Fred answers it. There is a beautiful woman and a man there. The beautiful woman is the Forest Fairy and the man is the Horse.
Fred: Hello! Is this your dog?
Forest Fairy: Indeed no; this is your brother George, who insulted the Dangerous Witch after misusing my brother, whom you know as Horse. Even as you know me as Old Crone.
Fred: I – I don't understand!
Forest Fairy aside the trouble with archetypal heroes is that they are too filled with kindness and nobility to have much room for brains. To Fred I and my brother were cursed by the Dangerous Witch's wicked sister, and could only return freely to our own forms once someone performed an act of kindness to each of us. We chose to resume the forms to test your brother and give him the chance to reform. Alas, he failed the test and is now this sorry cur.
Fred: Why, how fortunate it is that I have one bean left that will restore him. It will, won't it? appealing to the Forest Fairy.
Forest Fairy: It will indeed. Are you sure you want to do this?
Fred: He may not be much of a brother, but he's still my brother gives George the final bean.
George: It isn't fair! I should have got all the gifts I ….
The Forest fairy gestures and George continues moving his mouth but no sound issues.
Mother: That's very nice my dear. Now, while you're looking at my Fred like that, why don't we plan the wedding while Fred settles George somewhere nice and comfortable out of the way?
Horse: Oh I have an idea for George; a little cottage of his own with an everful food bag to himself. In no time flat he'll eat himself so fat he won't be able to get out and bother anyone. Fred, my good fellow, what are your intentions to my sister?
Fred: goggling You are a beautiful fairy, lady; how can I ask your hand in marriage?
Forest fairy: Most people use a combination of lips, tongue and oesophagus dear. Aside I didn't think he was that wanting.
Fred: Then let us be wed, my lovely and live happily ever after. I shouldn't mind being the Dangerous Witch's farm manager if only I might have my mother to live with me there, and my lovely wife.
Forest Fairy: Let the celebrations begin!
The Dangerous Witch: suddenly appearing And I'll see if I can't offset multiple occupancy against tax somehow – a happy ending for everyone!
Finis.